Well... That was unexpected....

Today, I experienced a whole new kind of pain. There's been times in my life when I've felt emotional pain, or physical pain, or even mental pain. But never before have I felt them all at once like I did today. I've recently found out that I have an infection, it's not fatal, but it's painful and I hate it. I went to the doctor yesterday. He gave me a shot in the bum O.o and some medication for me to take for a week. The shot has made the skin around it extremely sore, so it hurts to lay in my right side. The drugs that the doctor gave me make me REALLY queasy. :( So every move I make, I feel like I'm going to throw up. Just sitting up makes me dizzy. I honestly don't know how I'm going to go on like this for a week. ... That's the physical pain.

For the past few weeks (maybe even months, I don't know) I've shut my emotions in a closet, and haven't let them out. So when I've been really happy, I didn't show it. When I was mad, I didn't show it. And especially when I was sad, I didn't show it. But today, and I don't know why today was so special ... But today, it all came out. I cried. I cried for the first time in months. And I feel better. Much better. During the cry, it hurt. It hurt a lot. ... That was the emotional pain.

When the tears were falling, I couldn't stop thinking of why I was crying. I couldn't stop thinking of the heartbreak I've had, and caused in the past few months. I couldn't stop thinking of what William's been going through, and how I've experienced it before. I couldn't stop thinking of how Liz is doing, and how happy she's been lately. I couldn't stop thinking of Cait and how we've let our friendship go. I couldn't stop thinking of school, and how difficult it is for me to fit in sometimes. I couldn't stop thinking of Lee (the guy I work with, whom I've been hurt by in the past) and how much I hurt him. I couldn't stop thinking of Kris (the guy I've been dating on and off for the past few months) and how much pain I was in because of him, and of our avoidance with the most important matters. I couldn't stop thinking. Period. And it gave me the biggest migraine ever. I've never experienced a headache so overpowering before. It mentally crippled me for a little bit. And I was scared. ... That was the mental pain.

I've never known one body, one person, could hurt so much. And yet ... I'm happy. It's the weirdest thing. Yes, I do still hurt a lot. It's hard for me to fall asleep because it hurts so much. But I'm still content and happy. I'm still looking forward to tomorrow, and what it may bring. I've heard my whole life that my attitude and outlook on life is my choice. That I can choose to be happy even if I'm going through too much for me to handle. But I've never known how to choose to be happy until tonight. I don't even know how to explain it. I wish I could. But somehow, tonight it just happened. I'm happy. :)

*Cass*