this is weird

man... i haven't posted in forever. things have been so weird. so many times i'll say i'm over scott... but then i realize i'm not. i miss the friend i once had. that's what i miss most. not the kisses (well sorta...), not the hugs, or the spooning (lol), i miss having him as a friend. and i've tried to be friends with him. but it's too painful. i just don't know what to do. i've decided to just let whatever happen, happen. i had an interview with a counselor in the stake presidency this past sunday and he told me something. something i've been blind about, something i've needed to hear for some time now. he told me, "don't settle cassie. there is someone out there for you. someone who wants to help you become the best person you can be. marry above you. your future spouse will NEVER bring you down. i've been married a long time and my wife has NEVER said or done anything to bring me down. your husband will be the one to constantly help you become a better person." what he said to me really hit home. i've been so upset about everything. but i have a feeling things are going to get better.

i love you two, but sometimes it's hard for me to hang out with you guys and william and james. i'm sure you guys would feel the same if you were the one that was constantly fifth wheel. it hurts a lot. i don't want to stop doing things with you guys. but i don't know how much longer my heart can take it. the constant reminder that i lost something so precious. i'm sorry if i start to act stupid and depressed around you guys. but i can't be strong always. i'm only human.

i really do love you cait and liz. you two have helped me so much these months. more than i thought possible. and i thank you for that.

love forever and always,
~cass.