nevermind...

sorry for the explosion. i just couldn't handle it at the time. i'm much better now.

and i'm very sorry my emotions have a mind of their own. it's driving me bonkers.

cassie

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

someone just shoot me now. or shoot scoot. i'm sick of this. so we (me, liz, william, and james) went to the school's homecoming game and scott was there working concessions. and at around fourth quarter he came to sit by me and we talked. it was nice to be able to talk to him again. and i thought i'd be just fine and everything. but apparently not... i've been cussing at a lot of people. i'm terribly upset, and my heart hurts. it sucks. and right now, i'm texting him and well, he just said the STUPIDEST thing he could ever say. i'm freakin pissed right now. i asked him how long he had been debating on breaking up with me and he didn't reply for the longest time. and i finally got something from him and this is what it said, 'i'm thinking about it. cause i don't know how to say this...' and i replied, 'just say it. i don't care what the answer is. i just want to know.' and so he answered saying, 'i was sick of my ups and downs. i really liked you but i knew it was against my parents. so i had the tension and i didn't know if i could say it to you.' my reply was, 'say what? that we were over?' and the last thing i heard from him tonight was, 'yeah... i didn't want to. and tonight i was going to hold your hand but then i remembered i'd broken up with you.' 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

honestly, i want to rip his head off right now. and i'm not a violent person. i just want to scream and hit and make him hurt as much as i am right now. it's REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY annoying how he can make me so mad with a few words. so just shoot me now. i won't hurt anymore. please. just do it. i beg.

cass

Okay.

Okay...so we can all ignore my yelling thing. I just needed to yell, and everyone was asleep, and it was late, so I didn't want to wake anyone up by yelling for reals, so I yelled on here. Didn't help as much as yelling in really life to tell the truth...anyways.

Yes I did get the job with Liz! It's going to be fun, I start tomorrow. :) And since it's a campus job, I have to go into the employment center today to fill out my papers and stuff. Thing is I'm still going to be working at my other job Friday nights. I'm not too worried about it though, since it'll only be Fridays, and I think I'll be able to handle there better, with just one day a week. My position there will most likely get changed though. I was starting to be keys, but we'll see what happens.

Anyways. I think Scott's been stupid about the whole thing really. He can't just expect it all to go away just because he broke up with you Cass. I mean really, he did all that stuff, and for one felt guilty for it (if he felt he shouldn't have in the first place, he shouldn't have done it) and blames it on you? Hello, you were totally fine with waiting for him until he was ready. He's the one who...ugh...sorry. It's seeming really hypocritical, and I have a thing with people being hypocritical. I also have a thing with being very protective, so I'm barely stopping myself from telling him that lying about the whole thing and blaming Cass for it is idiotic, that he's being immature, and that I don't want him to come close to you anymore Cass...dang. That all sounds like something that my dad would do...that he has done...maybe that's why I'm not doing it. I dunno.

So yes, I'm terrified of spiders. Terrified out of my silly little head, that seems to be going fifty bajillion miles per hour lately, and one of them crawled on me when I was laying in bed last night. I freaked out, and had problems sleeping cuz I felt like they were crawling all over me. So I kept twitching a lot, and twitching so much that I'd wake myself up thinking there were more spiders on me. James kept saying that I would be fine, and to just sleep, that there were no more spiders. But everytime I would start to sleep it would be like there were more of them all over. It wasn't a fun night.

The spider fearing, protective, crazy girl.
Caiti.

Confusion

I really hate to be confused... also, I hate to fall behind. I hate the feeling that I've "dropped the ball" and that I'm not setting my priorities right... anyway, back to what I was saying. I hate being confused. I am SO confused right now and I don't like it. I don't know which emotion to feel, I don't know who to talk to, and if I actually do talk to someone I don't know how to explain things, I don't know what path to take. I feel so extraordinarily alone. I haven't felt this lonely in a long time. I just don't know what to think anymore...
Anyway, enough about me... Cass is handling this whole thing really well. I've been keeping a close eye on her to see how she's coping and she really is doing well.
Cait did get the job! I'm so excited! We'll be working together! It's going to be great! You're going to love it Cait!
I better go to sleep
a raggedy ann in a barbie doll world
Elizabeth

one more thing!

AND! he's not planning on telling anyone that we kissed. so he's going to go around LYING about that. STUPID BOY!!! can i scream now? *deep breath* k. i'm done.

cass

HUh....

um... caiti? are you ok? what in the?!? you gotta tell me... PLEASE!?!?!?! *puppy dog eyes*

so um, these past few days have probably been the hardest that i've gone through... scott broke up with me saturday night... :'( and oh boy! do i feel stupid. it's mostly because we got way too close, you know his promise to his sister, he broke that. and um... kinda made out too... ugh. and apparently it was MY fault that we did. ugh.... *bangs head on desk a bajillion times* WHY DOES HE HAVE TO BE SO YOUNG!?!?!?!?!?! why can't he be my age? that would make this a LOT easier. so yeah. oh! and he says he still loves me, and wants to be friends. earlier today i told him that i still loved him and i also want to be friends. but i had another break down during the movie we watched tonight, so i'm no longer in a good mood. i'm pissed and depressed. it SUCKS! man.... i wish i could control my emotions. but i guess it's impossible. UGH!!!!!! *smashes head against wall a bajillion, thrillion, million times* i just wish my thoughts and memories would quit torturing me. it's literally hell wanting something you can't have that you've had before. someone just shoot me now. i'll feel better. honest. i will.

cass

...

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

Caiti

Willie Boy

Well, I almost had a chance to talk to him about it last night. We were going to go to a movie together, a little brother sister outing, or at least that's what he had planned, but I had to go to work. I wasn't able to go. I was sad and felt bad, cuz he was trying to make it up to me about all the times he had promised to take me to a movie, and it had fallen through. :( Oh well, we'll find another time. Soon hopefully, I'm still kinda worried.

So according to Liz I have a new job, I will be working with her. I"m excited, but the lady hasn't called me yet, so I can't do anything about it. I'm going to have to wait and see if she calls back today, but if not, I'm gonna call her tomorrow evening before choir. I really want this new job. I'll most likely keep my old job, just for one night each week just to keep up hours this semester until I can get more at my new job. :) I'm excited, this'll be good for me. Working retail has started to get really hard on me, and so doing something else will help.

Well, I fell asleep in my Biology class today, that's my own fault for talking to James until 2 in the morning, but when I woke up, they were talking about bear attacks and what to do in that scenario. Mainly the difference between grizzly bears and black bears. It was a very odd conversation to wake up into.

The sleepy, but happy
Cait.

<3

so things have been going pretty great. :) the only thing about william that bothers me is that he's RATHER immature. it's pretty gross sometimes. my younger brother isn't that bad... anyway... talking about it isn't going to do much.

the letter from chris was GREAT! i miss that kid so much. but he's doing the right thing. apparently he's been talking about the gospel to other guard members (i think) out there, and he's handing out book of mormons and everything! i'm so proud of him. :) he's changed so much.

things with scott are going GREAT! lol. um, he's been pretty happy lately. he realized talking to me when he's feeling sad isn't such a great idea when i'm depressed. so he tries to avoid that. and i realized EVERY relationship has their ups and downs. and it shows how strong a relationship can be if you pull through those downs. :) i'm proud to say our relationship is very strong. (for the most part. lol...) and! i realized this is the longest i've been with a boy. since june second. :) i still remember that day. a bunch of friends went to the movie prince caspian and i came in a bit late and lizzie told me there was a seat right next to scott with my name on it. :) she's too good to me.

so yeah. that's pretty much the contents of my mind for now. :)

~cassie

Concussion...

So, as Cait mentioned, I have a concussion. How, you may ask? I hit my head on. my. fridge. So stupid. James was making jokes and i laughed and hit my head. Sure just a bump on the noggin... right? Wrong. It still hurt three days later. So, I succumb to the absurdities of my friends and go to the doctor. Completely unnecessary. Turns out, I have a concussion and my brain is swollen. How dumb. So now I get to sit around and do nothing so that my heart rate won't go up so my brain will stop swelling... yipee. *thick sarcasm*. All because I'm a stupid ditz. I told my mom about the incident and she threatened to come to my house and bubble wrap everything... I didn't think that was very funny... 

Anyway, Cass and I got a letter from Chris today! It was so sweet. I miss him so much. I just want him to come home. But I had a very momentous thing happen on September 11, I'm ok with Chris being gone. I was angry before, but I understand why he's doing it now. I still miss him, but I'm proud of him. 

Cait is right. William has been acting strange the past couple weeks. It seems like something is wrong but he won't talk to anyone. He won't talk to me no matter how much I ask, and I know he isn't talking to Cass because she's a bit annoyed with him, and Cait says he's not talking to her and if he was going to talk to anyone it would be his sister. I wish I could help him, but I don't know what's wrong. Cait, you should try to get it out of him...

Anyway, I don't have much else to write so I better get back to doing nothing. 

a raggedy ann in a barbie doll world,

Elizabeth

Hello

Well here I am at school again, waiting between classes. I have an hour until my next class starts. so here I am, sitting in the basement of the building, typing on my computer, and sitting on the bench nearest to an outlet so that I can keep my computer plugged in. All the while waiting for someone to wake up and start talking to me. The next person to wake up will be Liz since she has the same class as me at ten. Unless she's not feeling well. Her head has really been hurting her since Thursday night. She got a concussion, and it's not treating her well. Feel better Lizzie!

Then Friday night, I spent the night with Liz and Cass. But first we were over at James' house for a few hours. My brother was being anti social that night and stayed upstairs playing Fable pretty much the whole time. (It's making me worried, William usually tells me about stuff that's bothering him, and he's not even telling me, just saying not to worry about it. It's got me worried.) Then me and James had a wrestling match. Major fun. Even though we killed each other's noses. He got mine first, he tackled me, and his full weight, through his shoulder, crushed down on my nose. There was a crack, and I didn't trust myself to sit up for a while. It didn't bleed, I'm not prone to nose bleeds thank goodness, but half of my face went all tingly and numb. My nose still aches a bit, but then, a while later, after we had gone back to wrestling, James started to tickle me. I grabbed a sheet from the laundry he hadn't put away and flung it at him, trying to use it to help me pull him off, when his face was closer than I thought it would be. The hard bone part of my wrist hit him right on his nose. Causing his nose to do the same cracking thing, and lay on the ground. However, James is prone to have nose bleeds unlike mine, so his nose started bleeding. His nose still hurts as well.

Now though, I've just been teasing him that his nose is just more of a whiner. My nose hurt just as much, if not worse, and his nose just wanted all the attention so whinned about it. All in all it was just a fun night, with the exception of worries about William. William seems to be better, so it may just've been one of those days, but I'm still worried about him.

Well, I'm off to text James until he wakes up. He gave me permission to do that so I'm not completely lonely and bored out of my mind between classes.

:)
Caiti

:(

so we have this really good friend that joined the national guard, his name is chris. at the moment he's at basic training. but it's so hard not having him here. he was always so happy and had a very contagious personality. he was always willing to help out. and i miss him. a lot right now. he called liz's phone on sunday and we were able to talk to him. it was great. :) right now i'm not that afraid for him. what if the war doesn't end any time soon...? what if he's called to iraq. i don't think i could handle that. even the thought is bringing tears to my eyes... man, i love that boy like he's my own brother. i don't want him to get hurt. and one of my good friends, annie, is dating chris. i don't want her hurt either. but, i do think he made the right choice. i'm just scared...

~cass

GAH!

Okay, so what did they do? I can still act surprised. You'd think I'd know especially since William's my brother and he did it too apparently...? But no, I haven't seen William in a few days. We're all so busy, it makes it hard to see people. Maybe James or William will come with Lizzie when she comes to pick me up after my last class...hm...I think I'll ask and see.

So there's this movie called 'La Vita e Bella' or 'Life is Beautiful'. I love this movie. And I just found out about a film festival, where just a park area up the canyon, they play a movie each night outside. It's $8 a ticket, so kinda expensive, but they're playing La Vita e Bella this weekend, I really want to go see it, and think it would be fun to go outside to see it. I do have it rented for free from the library at the moment too...so that might be a better idea. Especially since we'd most likely take Lizzie's car, and it's having fun overheating. Oh well, I'll see what people think.

The movie is an Italian film that was produced in the nineties. It's about a man named Guido who has an amazing smiling personality that he never looses throughout the movie. I watched it in my AP Lit class last year. It's a movie that I don't want to give anything away, cuz I'm hoping to be able to watch it with Cass and Lizzie this weekend, and I don't want to give anything away. :)

Well, James should be getting out of class now, and onto chat, so I'm going to go chat with him for a bit before my next class.

La vita e bella
Caiti

eh.

well... there's always a part of us girls that want a man, or for my case, a man that'll grow up. ugh... its just one of those human parts of us that wants something we don't have. we just have to get on with life.

today's been sorta productive. i signed up for a class at uvu institute! it's teachings of president monson. i'm supperly excited. i'm just not sure  how i'm getting there yet. and all that jazz. but i can't wait. that's for sure. :) i'm a little nervous though. but it'll be fun. :)

so james got cait a surprise. well that's what he told her. but it's more like james and william did something, not stupid, but random. i can't say cuz cait doesn't know yet. she'll have to see for herself. lol. ugh. and william is making stupid comments again,  but i'm just ignoring them for now. boys can be so dumb. but whatever. i'll live.

and thank you cait and liz for being there for me. :) you guys are amazing.

~cass

whoops

So, I haven't posted in a while, but here I am! I'm so excited to be living with Cass! It's a blast! School, as Cait said, has started. It's been busy but I've kept on top of things so far. I'm really enjoying it! 

Cass, I'm so sorry about what's going on with Scott. I hope you know that you can talk to me whenever. You know where I sleep so just let me know if you need me!! ;) 

So, I'm sad to admit that the girl part of me is getting the best of me lately... I really want a boy... I know that sounds TOTALLY ridiculous... but I really do. And I'm the last girl in the world that would be expected to feel this way. I surprised myself... Unfortunately, I have no cure for this problem. I keep finding jerks... Ugh... 

Anyway, I've got to go do laundry...

~a raggedy ann in a barbie doll world,

         Elizabeth

...

Cass. Call me anytime. Just rant at me, I don't mind.

Caiti.

i'm doin better

i think i just needed some time to NOT think. and honestly, my brain REALLY needs to take a chill pill every once in a while. things are good. scott's biggest problem now is to take an amazing moment, and pick it apart and ruin it. ugh... i'm just going to have to do my best at making him stop judging himself.

and things with william are better. it just bothered me that day. i think i'm finally starting to calm down from this whole week. wow this week has been crazy...

~cass

Yup.

I've had some problems with Scott lately too. It gets to me that he gets all grossed out when me and James are being couple-y, and yet for some reason it's alright to be all couple-y with you Cass. I know it's little in comparison to what other people have done, but still, it's bothersome. Almost like he expects that we should act differently with each other when he's around, which isn't right. But all in all, I'm a little touchy when it comes to anything about me and James because it seems for the most part, that everyone finds something wrong with it, and expect something from us.

And William, he's been the tough guy for a long time, and believe me I know. He's let out how he feels about getting beat up on, and he's decided that he doesn't want to be belittled all the time. He's all for helping you vent and all that stuff, just for future reference, you may just want to tell him what's going on with it, rather than just doing it. He takes it more seriously than he's let on.

The protective sister, who's still bored.

Caiti.

... ?

sometimes i'm glad i didn't start school. just the thought of all that homework makes me shudder. most the time i don't even want to go back. but i know scott wouldn't like that. ..... but he's supposed to like me for who i am, right? i honestly don't know what to do with that boy anymore. i swear sometimes it's like he has a multiple personality. and when i'm doing things with liz, cait, william, and james, like going to a certain movie, he'll belittle me. he'll make me feel like i'm not choosing the right thing to do. and he'll make me feel guilty for what i'm doing. but he's so hypocritical he doesn't even know it! gah. i just don't know. i still love him. but it's so frustrating. david, his best friend, or i should say FORMER best friend can't stand scott anymore. even scott's best friend is finding it hard to be around him! maybe it's that new 'sister' of his, kami, that's affecting him this way. but i wouldn't want to tell him to forget about her cuz he's too darn caring. geez i'm bitter. i'm just sick of him thinking what i do isn't good enough for him. FACE IT SCOTT, WE ALL HAVE FAULTS! EVEN YOU!!!

*deep breath* alright. i think i'm better now. i needed a good venting. usually it's easier to vent to someone who can give me advise right away but right now i just want all this crap out of my brain. it's sorta like writing in my journal. but this way millions of people can read it. bah. who cares.

oh! another thing that's been driving me to the point of murder is freakin william! gah! so, i've been bashing on him a lot lately, just cuz i can, and cuz i've needed to take my anger out. and honestly, i thought he could've taken it. but i guess not. i guess he's more weak than he likes to show, cuz he got all offended and started ignoring me. I HATE BEING IGNORED!!! i wanted to strangle that kid so many times! you have no idea. he pissed me off SO much that day. i don't think i've been that angry in a long time. boys are so stupid...

anyway. that's pretty much what's been on my mind lately. yeah. i've been pretty angry. i'm not entirely sure why. i'm thinking it's cuz i missed church this week. but i don't know. i'm hoping it'll all go away soon...

~cass

School...

Well, school has started. Me and Liz go to school together, have one class together, and pretty sure that I'll occasionally go to her history class rather than mine. Which will be loads of fun. :) But guess what, only in school 4 days so far, and I've already fallen behind in one of my classes, I had a reading assignment that I forgot to do (whoops) and I don't even have the textbook here for me to look at and get the reading assignment done before my class at two, and it's only almost ten. However, Liz isn't here yet, and I left a message that her and Cass will hopefully get asking to bring that textbook with Liz when she comes, and hopefully I'll have time to get that reading done before class today. This is all if they get the message...

So Cass is our honorary floater. So's William to tell you the truth but he has a job, our lovely Cass does not. I've been telling her jobs that are open, but so far i haven't heard anything from here.

James is in school too, he only has class Tuesdays and Thursdays, but I have it everyday, and Tuesdays and Thursdays...I only have two classes those days. School starts and we get so busy, and we go to different schools. It's going to be harder to spend time together. But we've done okay so far. We're all in a community choir that meets every Thursday night, so we'll have something those days.

The fourth season of the Office came out this week on DVD. We had an office party Tuesday and Wednesday night to watch it. However, I worked Wednesday night, so I haven't seen the last half of the season, but I have seen the season finale. So all together I've only seen a quarter of the whole. Four episodes, the first three and the last one. I'm going to have to borrow the rest of it from James, as soon as his family is done with it.

Well that's enough of me rambling between classes hoping for something to do to amazingly pop out of no where. *shrugs* That's what I get for scheduling three hours between my first class and my last two.

--Caiti