I'm sorry...

I haven't been the greatest friend to either of you lately. I want to apologize to both of you.

I'm sorry Cait that we've lost contact over the years. I didn't want it to be like this. I didn't want to ever lose you as a friend. But it seems like it's getting there. Cait, you've had a special place in my heart from the moment I met you in Sunday School. :') You welcomed me and made me feel comfortable in a time of my life that really needed it. I couldn't thank you enough for the love and support you've shown me. I'm extremely sorry I haven't been there for you, especially when you need it. I was afraid of losing you, and pushed you away in fear of you pushing me away. I don't know why I do it. I can't apologize enough. Cait, I love you very much. I really do hope you're happy. You're in good hands. I want you to know that you're an amazing woman and I admire your strength and courage.

Liz, I'm sorry that I can't be there to listen to you when you need a friend. I promised to always be there, but it seems I find excuse after excuse to not. I keep telling myself that I'm too busy with life. But all it takes is a call or an email. I have a hard time figuring out what to do. And I hope you can forgive me for my stupidity. The biggest thing I fear is losing friends. I don't want that to happen to us. You've been such a supportive friend. You've always listened to me when I need you. You've always helped me feel better. You've helped me through some dark times in my life. I couldn't thank you enough for everything you've done for me. I wouldn't be the person I am if it weren't for you. I love you, Liz. I'm going to try harder to be there for you when you need it. I promise.

I love you both very much. You two are very precious to me. I hope we can still be friends through all our differences. I'm sorry if I've ever caused you grief or confusion. I have a hard time trying to figure out what the right thing to do is. Just know, that I love you both and I hope to always have you two in my life.

Cass.

Well... That was unexpected....

Today, I experienced a whole new kind of pain. There's been times in my life when I've felt emotional pain, or physical pain, or even mental pain. But never before have I felt them all at once like I did today. I've recently found out that I have an infection, it's not fatal, but it's painful and I hate it. I went to the doctor yesterday. He gave me a shot in the bum O.o and some medication for me to take for a week. The shot has made the skin around it extremely sore, so it hurts to lay in my right side. The drugs that the doctor gave me make me REALLY queasy. :( So every move I make, I feel like I'm going to throw up. Just sitting up makes me dizzy. I honestly don't know how I'm going to go on like this for a week. ... That's the physical pain.

For the past few weeks (maybe even months, I don't know) I've shut my emotions in a closet, and haven't let them out. So when I've been really happy, I didn't show it. When I was mad, I didn't show it. And especially when I was sad, I didn't show it. But today, and I don't know why today was so special ... But today, it all came out. I cried. I cried for the first time in months. And I feel better. Much better. During the cry, it hurt. It hurt a lot. ... That was the emotional pain.

When the tears were falling, I couldn't stop thinking of why I was crying. I couldn't stop thinking of the heartbreak I've had, and caused in the past few months. I couldn't stop thinking of what William's been going through, and how I've experienced it before. I couldn't stop thinking of how Liz is doing, and how happy she's been lately. I couldn't stop thinking of Cait and how we've let our friendship go. I couldn't stop thinking of school, and how difficult it is for me to fit in sometimes. I couldn't stop thinking of Lee (the guy I work with, whom I've been hurt by in the past) and how much I hurt him. I couldn't stop thinking of Kris (the guy I've been dating on and off for the past few months) and how much pain I was in because of him, and of our avoidance with the most important matters. I couldn't stop thinking. Period. And it gave me the biggest migraine ever. I've never experienced a headache so overpowering before. It mentally crippled me for a little bit. And I was scared. ... That was the mental pain.

I've never known one body, one person, could hurt so much. And yet ... I'm happy. It's the weirdest thing. Yes, I do still hurt a lot. It's hard for me to fall asleep because it hurts so much. But I'm still content and happy. I'm still looking forward to tomorrow, and what it may bring. I've heard my whole life that my attitude and outlook on life is my choice. That I can choose to be happy even if I'm going through too much for me to handle. But I've never known how to choose to be happy until tonight. I don't even know how to explain it. I wish I could. But somehow, tonight it just happened. I'm happy. :)

*Cass*

Hmm...

Does that mean it's my turn? Lol. Just kidding. But, yeah. I love you Caiti, I'm so sorry. I hope that maybe now that the silence has been broken we can figure out what happened. Thanks for being the first to jump Caiti. Me and Cass are right behind you. I'm sorry if I seem lighthearted during a serious event. I don't mean it to be that way. I'm just.... happy, I guess is the word.

Hello again world. Too much has changed to list, but know that I'm happy. I'm discovering more about myself everyday. I hope that this break of silence will mean that I'll have somewhere to spill my guts about everything. I have my own blog, but I feel like I'm just talking to myself there. Not here. So yeah.

I'm not sure how much of this post makes sense. I stayed up almost all night last night. But the important part is, Caiti and Cass I love you.

Liz,

Just a raggedy anne, in a barbie doll world.

Apologetic Love

There comes times in our lives where we do things we regret and wish we could take back. Losing contact with you, Caiti, is one of the things I regret. Honey, I love you dearly and you've helped me through some of the hardest years of my life, and I miss having you there and having you as a friend. Repairing friendships are extremely difficult (take James and Williams for example) but I want us to try. I still want you in my life, and I'm terribly sorry if I've ever hurt you. I can promise you, it was unintentional if I ever did. One of my biggest fears is to lose my friends, and I don't want to lose you. I hope it's not too late. :3 Part of the reason why I haven't posted in forever is because I forgot the email for this blog, Liz reminded me what it was. And I had to remind her the password. O.o But that's no excuse to shut you out. I haven't meant to push you away in anyway. Life gets so crazy sometimes it's hard to find time for everything I want. And that, as well, is no excuse. I am so sorry if I've done anything to hurt or offend. I hope you can accept my apology. I still love you very much. I hope I can be here for you for these next two years. I can't even imagine what you might be going through right now.

Now, the thing about you finishing a book? I totally understand where you're coming from. We both read a lot in high school, but you read more than me. And I haven't finished a book in almost 5 months now... It's a weird feeling to think that I don't read anymore. So I congratulate you on actually finishing one. :) It's a big task when it's hard to find time.

Today I confronted a boy about something that was really hard for me to ask. I felt like a jerk because I asked kind of rudely and accusative, but... things are working out ok I think. Boys are difficult. Also, I've decided that the template we've got on this blog is a tad outdated ;). So I'ma change it. Let me know if either of you girlies don't like it. And I'll try and find something else.

XOXO

*Cass*

time.

isn't it funny how through time, everything changes. i know that i'm being sentimental....but i feel i have a right. james is going on a mission. he'll be gone for two years. and who knows about what all will happen. everything has changed so much. i'll get on this computer, look at this screen. and wonder if anyone else does. i've waited and waited for someone to make a move. too hurt and scared to try for anything. today i sat down to my computer. finished my paper for art history. a paper that i would used to have put off until last minute. and here i've finished it early. two weeks early. and i look at this screen. and before i know it i'm typing. i'm typing here, like i have tried so many times and have had nothing come out. but now i'm typing. i'm typing. i've finished an entire book today. i finished a book. i haven't done that in so long. and i have to share it. i've finished a book. me caiti has finally finished a book.

i read it all. every last word.

i finished a book.
caiti.

i don't really have much to say. but i hate how we're letting this die... watch, this is going to be the only post in march. just you wait... unless i get bored like i am now and write whatever i want.

so it's really sunny outside and i wanna go on a bike ride... but it's also really chilly (stupid wind). blek. today i had to take my brother his tux shirt for some choir thing at the high school. and after i dropped it off i went to lunch with a friend that i haven't been able to chill with for some time. she was recently sick not that long ago too. it was fun though. we laughed a lot and it was really good to see her.

also, when i showed up at the high school Mason gave me such a huge hug. (him and his long pony tail.) we didn't talk much. just said hi then i left. but his hug was amazing. i love that boy so much. he's like my brother.

hmmm.... what else can i ramble about... uh um uh umm... so there's a lot going on between the five of us (cait, liz, william, james, and i). one thing is that william has decided not to go on a mission anymore. and it's been hard for james to accept that. i know me and liz support his decision, but i'm not sure about cait's opinion. i'm hoping she supports him also. but his decision has caused a lot of grief. also, liz thinks her being with william is messing a lot of things up. liz, i'm happy for you two. you guys deserve to be happy. i don't know if will told you, but i told him what's been bothering me lately. being around two couples ALL the time really takes a toll on my emotional stability. i'm happy for you two. i always will be. you guys are two of my best friends and i love seeing you guys so happy all the time. but if you were in my situation, you'd feel the same. and i totally didn't mean to talk about myself. i'm sick of talking about myself. but all this is just spilling out.

i think i'm done talking now. i said more than i planned to. love you two.

cass...

...

I don't really feel like saying much. But yeah. Love you guys.

Caiti.